Oh Southern Gaaaaaaaal........

Yes this picture was take while crouching down on the restroom floor (on my knees only TYVM).

ENJOY!!!

Tech Support..........

Me: Baby, could you come help me?

Mistah: *yells from the other room* What's wrong?

Me: Can you just come in here.......shit (mumbled under my breath)

Mistah: What?

Me: The tv remote is not working...well it is but the volume doesn't work on it anymore. Like I can't adjust it and it's annoying me because it's too loud.

Mistah: Have you tried reprogramming it?

Me: Yes aaaaaaannnnnnnd I changed the batteries but it's still doing the same thing. I even tested it with the remote in the den (it's the same kind because of our cable boxes). This TV ain't even six months old and it's already acting up. If you can't get it to work, pack this shit up and put it in the trunk because it's going back to where it came from.

Mistah: *looks at the remote...... looks at the TV and moves a magazine out of the way to unblock the sensor......test the remote........hands it back to me........smirks and snickers*

Me: So!!!!!! Oh and thank you!


And now for a musical selection.....................

I'm so pissed.................

at my sister right now I could SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I've always known she was an idiot but she confirmed it for me this morning.

Long story short. After she (and my aunt (my mom's half sister)) spoke with the doctor yesterday afternoon, he explained what all he had done. During the conversation, he also explains that while the surgery was successful it wasn't necessarily needed (i.e. the situation wasn't as critical as it was made out to be). So now she and my aunt are thinking she did it for attention.

*SIGH*

Okay, whatever. My take? Well, it's done now. Right? Right. I got the impression from my mom that she felt it was needed so that's all I really needed to know.

My sister on the hand? Weeeeeeeeeeelllllllllllll, she's mad at our mom for having the surgery and is refusing to take off work next week to sit with her (like we all agreed two weeks ago). She'd take the first full week, me the second and my oldest sister the third. After that, we figured she'd be at the half-way recovery mark so if the doc cleared it, she would come back down to our house and stay with us (in AR) for as long as she needed.

She claims since the cut was not horizontal versus vertical that it shouldn't take her as long to recover and that she would be fine as long as she wrapped some band around her stomach and moved around. And I quote, "As long as she doesn't get dizzy or anything, it will be okay. I had to do it, she can do it too".

o_O

And who prey tell will be there to know if she is you f'in MORON???????!!!!!!! And for the record, you were in your 20's....she's damn near SEVENTY YEARS OLD!!! BIG DIFFERENCE.....HUGE!

This was just one of many lame ass reasons she gave.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

I don't want to speak with her again but I'm sure all three of us will be on the phone hashing it out this evening. I doubt if she'll change her mind so I'm sure I'll be working remotely from Memphis for two weeks straight since my other sister won't be able to maneuver as easily with three small kids.

Bottom line: she had the surgery, she needs to be looked after. Our relationship is far from perfect but when push comes to shove, she's still our mother.

As you can see, I needed to vent. And now for a musical selection...........

Mission BBA(s): Wrap-Up

Yep, that's right. I'm totally lumping all remaining days into one. It's been a whirlwind since day four. Soooooooooo, let's see.

So after the early day birthday celebration, as planned, we took the kiddos to the go-cart place. With them still being so young, we had to do the double cart thing so Mistah and I could drive them around the track. All was going well until I phucked sh!t up! As I was bringing the cart into the bay, I misjudged the spacing between the space the cart goes in and the cement block that separates the lanes where the carts are parked. Here's a pic to give you an idea of what I mean.


Unfortunately for us, there were no tires in front of the thing to help soften the blow. Also, I wasn't going that fast so that helped BUT that crap still hurt!!! BBA #2 was riding with me and suffered the fate of my mind blowing go-cart skills. I was so shocked by what I had just done that I didn't even notice him crying at first. After checking him over, he said that only his tongue hurt (from where his teeth bit it) and he was off with the birthday boy to play video games for awhile. Mistah didn't help matters by laughing at me (in private) saying that I looked like a crash test dummy from behind and proceeded to demonstrate the slow motion version of our motor vehicle accident....bastid. Anyway, we went back out for round two and BBA#2 stated emphatically that he no longer wanted to ride with me but Mistah. LOL Hey, I can't blame him. I gave BBA#2 some kids med's and checked him over the next morning to make sure he was still ok. Luckily, he said only his tongue still hurt. Unluckily for me, I was sore as hell!!!! *growls* Thank goodness I have a back supply of prescribed medication to help with things of this nature. :D

After the birthday shenanigans, I took them to a few places in Little Rock the next day one of which was my place of employment. We had 'the best behavior talk' prior to going in. I swear it was like talking to deaf children because nothing I said took. They lived up to their name and showed their complete and total Billy Bad Asses!!!! After hightailing it out of there with my tail between my legs, we had another talk in the car about what was going to transpire once we arrived back home. Yep, that's right! I had to beat some Billy Bad Ass! As with all kids I imagine, they thought I had forgotten as they were asking about watching cartoons and slip and sliding again.

I made them sit in the reflection corner (thanks Super Nanny), gave them another talk (I still don't think it sunk in), made their dinner, gave baths and put.them.to.bed!

Friday was their last full day and it was extremely low key. So low key, that I can't even remember what we did other than taking them next door to visit with my (elderly) neighbors cleaning up and watching Alvin and the Chipmunks The Squeakquel. *sigh*

And then they were gone. We left around 9'ish Saturday morning to take them back to Memphis to reunite with their parents and little brother (who is oh so cute and juicy for an eight month old). He looks a lot like BBA#3 only darker (more like my complexion for those of you that know what I look like). My sister suggested that since the baby will be older next year that she send all three of them down next year. Ya'll know I'm never one to shy away at laughing at a hilarious moment so I proceeded to cackle in her face and call her crazy. She shouldn't even let that thought cross her mind again until that child is closer to three or four years of age.

While I do miss them, I am quite happy to have my life back to normal. No more cartoons, no more Fruit Loops, no more kids!!! YAY!!!!!!!

Mission BBA(s): Day Four

First, I would like to give a shout out to Gorgeous P. and K.Rock for bestowing me with the honor of the Versatile Blogger award! And here I thought I was just a one trick pony.....not to be confused with My Little Pony. Now I just have to remember where I saw that little picture so I can showcase it on the blog. :D

So today is BBA #3's big day....his 5th birthday! He informed all in the household yesterday, that once he woke up that everyone would have to sing him the happy birthday song and give him presents.

Oh really now?!

I'll cut him some slack since today is his birthday but that child (smh and LOL at the same time) has a bad case of 'got a mouth full of want and a hand full of nothin'-itis. At any rate, today has been a good day so far. I did a bit of decorating for him last night and arranged his gifts so he would walk in and see them on display. Of course, all he saw were the presents............LOL. After he played for a bit with his brother and took his birthday calls, we went to a matinee showing of 'Despicable Me'. AWESOME movie! I don't watch kid flicks all that often but this one ranks right up there with 'The Incredibles'. I still love watching that movie.

Afterward, I took them out to lunch at the best little fast food place in the world.....Chick-fil-A! We made a quick pit stop in the restroom and I got to experience one of those embarrassing moments that mother's often speak of. The stall that we went in had a combination of post BM\women folk odor. BBA #3 proceeds to exclaim, "Aunt AR Gal it stinks in here! Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwww!!!". I had to laugh to keep from crying because the lady that funked it up had just walked out of the stall and well it really did stink.



Once Mistah gets home from work and I wake them up from their nap (both of which should be occurring any minute now) , we'll do the cake thing and then take them to the go cart place once the sun goes down a bit.

I just hope he doesn't throw up again.

Until tomorrow (or something close to it)................

Mission BBA(s): Day Two & Three

I's tyred..........but I don't know why. Now that I sit here thinking about everything that we've done it really hasn't been that much but it seems like we have just been going, and going, and going. Energizer Bunny Game Proper.

The day seems to pass by sooooooooooooo quickly. The fact that I'm still waking up at my normal time of five am isn't helping matters much. First you have to feed them breakfast and keep them entertained by planning an activity or letting them watch Nickelodeon, Cartoon Network, PBS or one of the dvd's they brought along. By the time I've gotten them fed, the kitchen cleaned, clothes laid out and ironed for the days outing, teeth brushed, faces washed and all that jazz, it's time for lunch and dinner. *sigh* At any rate, I'm convinced that if we ever decide to have kids that being a stay at home mom is out of the question (like we could afford it with the high cost of daycare but whatever).

Ya'll don't care about my troubles though, you want to know about the kids right? Right. The Cliffnotes version is as follows:

• Sunday we went bowling. Everyone had a good time and we all got at least one strike in.
  
• There were plans to take them to the park this morning (not an indoor activity I know but it's not so bad as long as it's early) but those were pushed back until tomorrow due to unforeseen circumstances.
• I found a cake. Actually, it's a mini-cake surrounded by cupcakes. It's really cute, colorful and fits the bill.
  
• Today we went to the place I had been hearing about non-stop since I picked them up in M-Town.....Ju-mp Z-one. It's the bees knees around here. Actually, it's nothing more than a bunch of inflated play areas in a building.
  
• I wish I had to the funds to open one. They make bank!
• I let them run free for a little over three hours. I made sure to stop by the Wal--Mart-s and get some magazines to read before I let time slip away.
• They are really some entertaining kids. BBA #3's rendition of 'There Goes My Baby' would make you feel emotion even if you had no soul. Hilarious!
• Speaking of, he got to speak with his kinda sorta girlfriend on the phone Saturday. The convo was going great until I heard, 'so are you my girlfriend now or what?'. They are gonna have issues with that one.
• He's a tattle-tale too. Three days in and now I just ignore him.

And with that, I'm off to bed. Maybe I'll sleep 'til six tomorrow. *fingers crossed*

Mission BBA(s): Day One

Soooooooooooo, Billy Bad Ass numbers two and three are here for the week. Day one was most uneventful as they spent quite a bit of time being chauffeured from their great-aunts house to my mom's house (aka my granny's (RIP) house) to hang out for a bit then to my house.

I was dreading the (two plus hour) drive because those two can TALK!!! All praises to the most high for making it so our bodies need sleep because that's exactly what they did 10 minutes after we got in the car until we arrived in town.


I still have to go get this child a birthday cake (cupcake and/or random sweet something or another). I didn't want to buy it too soon but I don't want to wait until say his birthday to get it either. I think I'll be safe getting one tomorrow or Tuesday.

I haven't a clue as to what today's activities will involve other than they will be strictly INDOOR!

I hope ya'll are having a restful weekend cause guess what? I AIN'T!

And now for a musical selection...............................
REEEEEEEEEEEEEEMIIIIXXX!!!

Someone please call 9-1-1.................

I don't know if I've shared this with ya'll before (something tells me I have but I can't remember) but the local paper where I live has a police beat section. I usually read this daily due to the rise in crime (especially home burglaries) that have been occurring lately in this once oh so quiet town. So far, our neighborhood (and surrounding one's) has fared quite well. Everyone on our street gets along pretty well. We may not have close relationships with each other but we always speak and wave to each other as we pass down the street.

Anyway, so back to the paper. Like I said, this section keeps me up to date on crime and what not but sometimes there is something that makes me crack the hell up laughing catches me completely off guard. Take for example this little gem of a report:

Battery at 1155 Skyline Dr. (Walmart). Officers responded to a possible fight Thursday inside Walmart. The victim stated that she was in the checkout aisle with two friends and her sister. The victim said the man in front of them asked them a question. She thought he asked if they would like to go in front of him in line, and the victim responded, “yes.” The suspect became angry and told the victim he was going to “choke slam” her. The suspect allegedly punched the victim twice in the face. The pair were separated until officers arrived. The suspect told authorities that he was a secret agent and that it was illegal for someone to eavesdrop on his conversations. The suspect stated that he was having a conversation with someone in his head. When the suspect caught the victim listening to his conversation, he asked her if she was eavesdropping and she said, “yes.” The suspect said the voice told her that she had committed a crime and needed “to be dealt with.” The suspect was transported to the Faulkner County Detention Center.

This reminds me of a run-in I had with a crazy at that very same Wal...Mart back when I worked there during college. There was only one in town then and now we have two....ooooooooooooooo!!! Anyway, I was on lunch and decided to hit up the McD's in the back of the store for some food. After placing my order, I noticed this loud lady acting a fool pointing at random people screaming at them. Me being me, I just looked at her and rolled my eyes. Crazy lady notices me and proceeds to come my way. Awwwwwwwwww hell!!! I instantly started cussin' myself in my head for not looking the other way. I grab my car keys out of my pocket and position them between my middle and ring fingers just in case I had to stab a hoe defend myself. She was almost thisclose to me when sakurity came and saved my ass. LOL

I don't know why I didn't just leave. I suspect it had a lot to do with the fact that I was hungry.....and immature. At any rate, I learned my lesson.

And now for a musical selection...............................

I suck...............

So BBA numbers two and three made an impromptu visit with Granny (my mom) yesterday. The plan was for me to take my mom's car to the airport (she left it at the house so she wouldn't have to pay for parking) and they would ride out to Memphis. After speaking with her yesterday afternoon before the plane took off, I pretty much knew they would be staying the night. Apparently getting through security with two small children was enough to tire her out. Hell it would probably tire me out too.

After returning to the house, I got the kids fed and took them over to the school next door so they could play and run off some of their energy and excitement from seeing me the dogs. About 20 minutes in, BBA number three showed signs of extreme crankiness and crying. Now I don't know nothing about birthin' or raisin' no babies but I do know what that means in Mommyland. NAP/BEDTIME!! I told his big brother (BBA number two) he had about ten more minutes and we were heading back to the house. BBA number three's cries were getting louder (and quite honestly more embarrassing). Thank goodness only a few people were out there with us. Then, he wanted his mommy. Being the good Auntie I am, I pulled out my phone and called her. After listening to their conversation on speakerphone, it was pretty obvious that my big sister was more interested in her nap than her spawn's need for her. Imagine that! LOL

BBA number two headed over to the another piece of play equipment to enjoy the last few minutes and surprisingly BBA number three followed. I walked over to join them and BBA number three announces "I SUCK".

Me: No you don't. What would make you say that?

BBA number three: Aunt AR Gal, I suuuuuuuuuuck

Me: *thinking what the hell*

BBA number two: He's saying he's sick

Me: Really? How the h..... thanks for telling me.

Sooooooooooo, I go and ask him where it hurts and he points to his belly.

Me: Do you have to boo boo?

BBA number three: Yes I have to boo boo

Me: Okay, we're leaving now.

He then proceeds to hurl chunks of the dinner and ice cream he had eaten.

Me: *screaming on the inside* BBA number two, let's go.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd he hurls again with bigger chunks.

Me: *turning his body the opposite way while secretly praying, please don't get it on me, please don't get it on me, please don't get it on meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee*

Nothing on this planet is as gross to me than seeing someone throw up. I mean really, it's disgusting.

After Vomitgate, we haul ass back to the house. I want to pick him but (1) he's heavy and (2) I really don't want this kid blowing chunks down my back or worse...in my hair! I started to call Mistah but then thought better of it. What if he does it in the car? OMG, ew. Good thing we only live less than a quarter of a mile from the school. Once we got close enough, I put my big girl panties on and picked him up but not after asking five times if he had to throw up any more.

We made it back to the house without any further incident and BBA number two and three were promptly given a bath and put.to.bed.

If this is a preview of what's to come, I'm in trouble.

Friends, Romans, countrymen, bloggers lend me your eyes.....................

It's a done deal. I'm getting another car.

Let the official car search phuckery begin.

In the spirit of this journey I'm on let's make this fun. I want any and all car suggestions from you BUT there are a few stipulations.

• Four door vehicles only
• No drop tops
• Price....hmmmmmmmm do I want to limit the price. Yeah I do. Nothing over $20K.
• No humongous SUV's. Tires on those sap suckas are expensive!
  

Those are the basics. Once everything is said and done regarding the claim, we are going to try and make this process as quick and painless as possible. I'm ready to get back to my type of normal life.

Oh and if anyone mentions a pre-owned Pinto like Mistah did............................



And now for a musical selection

Nothing comes close to the golden coast..........

especially the weather! I am almost tempted to move out to the Bay for that alone. Never mind the horrible unemployment rates and CA debt. That could be easily overlooked since you can wear a jacket in June.....IN JUNE!!!! I have longed for those breezy crisp days ever since I set foot back in Satan's lair (aka the south).

I am still a little tired from our time there but I had a lot of fun. The trip got off to an eventful start (Mistah would beg to differ I'm sure). After dropping the pups off at the kennel, I proceeded to drop his laptop on the ground after going through security.

If only he had remembered to take eh.ver.ree.ting out of his pockets like I told him instead of forgetting his wallet (which had some kind of magnet thingamajig in it) making him have to go through a separate screening it never would have happened. *exhales* As you can imagine, I was quite flustered having to corral all my crap and his crap together. Thanks to my flustererdness (shut up), I showed bad judgment by removing said laptop from the little gray bin and placing it on top of my suitcase while it was still on top of the roller things. Roller things moved and splat went the laptop. Oh and to the onlookers.....the loud gasps really didn't help.

To their credit, the TSA folks did make an attempt at trying to catch it before it hit the ground. There was a bit of physical damage but after I popped a couple of things back into place the only noticeable things are a couple of tiny weenie itsy-bitsy cracks. :D

GO MEAT!!!!!!

After making it the gate, we were informed that our flight would be delayed by an hour. This, of course, made us late to our connecting flight by a whopping 19 minutes which delayed our arrival into CA by two hours. FABOOSH!

As an aside, damn you SW Airlines! Ya'll know you could have held that f'in plane for us.......shit.

At any rate, we had a good time taking in the sites, visiting with Mistah's kin and made it there (and back) safe and sound. That's all that really matters.......oh and that I'm ready to go back for a visit.....or to live. :)

And now for a musical selection

Katy Perry - New Music - More Music Videos

Wrote a story ‘bout it. Wanna read it, here it go

Woke up this morning sleepy as all get out.

Put my contacts in. They didn’t agree with my eyeballs. After 15 minutes of removing and re-inserting with no success, finally just said phuck it and threw my glasses on.

I hate wearing my glasses. Boo.Hiss.

Saw Pedro’s truck this morning but no one in the backseat. Guess they decided to take a break.

Arrived at work and went to the restroom.

Did a full survey of my outfit. Noticed that my maxi skirt was a peep show in the back.

Cursed self for not wearing a longer shirt and checking self out in the mirror AT HOME.

Tried to do some adjusting to camoflauge. Didn’t work.

Went to the store to buy a slip…..which I have plenty of AT HOME.

*eyeroll*

Slips a plenty but none in BLACK. Boo. Hiss squared.

Grabbed a cami top and made it work….Tim Gunn game proper.

Went to check out and got stuck behind a stupid ass b*tch woman that wanted a price check for a greeting card that was supposed to be 25 cents. The original price was FIFTY CENTS!!!!!!

ARE YOU SERIOUS?????!!!!!

Waiting. BG’s ensue. This heffa still wants her 25 cents discount.

Go to check out at customer service while trying to resist the urge to mollywhop said heffa in the back of her head for being stupid.

Hit the restroom up to leave a deposit and put on my shirtslip.

Stop to grab more sunflower seeds. Only one package of the flavored kind left.

FML…

Regret

The episode on ’16 & Pregnant’ last night was a doozy and a half……..also an hour and a half. I didn’t realize that an extra 30 minutes had been tacked on until I turned the channel to watch Chelsea Lately. I hate when I miss that show.

So the episode last night followed, two young kids (of course) whose names escape me at the moment. It’s a long sordid story but it basically went down like this:

Girl has a boyfriend for 2 years (or was it 3? I heard her say both)

Girl breaks up with long time boyfriend.

Girl gets rebound guy.

Girl hunches rebound guy one night after he gives her a ride home in his truck after a party.

Girl and rebound guy get pregnant…..with TWINS. *faints*

Girl is 17. Rebound guy is a couple of years older. (They live in WV so this may or may not be considered statutory rape but no one seemed to mind. *Kanye shrug*)

Girl has twins (girls).

Guy actually steps up to the plate, sells his beloved truck for a more affordable form of transportation, gets an apartment for them all to live in, and works two jobs to make sure their ready made family is provided for.

Girl realizes she hasn’t lost that lovin’ feeling for old boyfriend.

Girl goes back to HS, sees old boyfriend, begins hanging out with old boyfriend and slowly but surely begins emotionally disconnecting with rebound guy.

Girl invites old boyfriend over to see twins. (*sigh*)

Old boyfriend gives her the cold shoulder from that point forward.

Rebound guy finds out. They argue and break-up.

Girl realizes the grass isn’t greener.

Girl begins to regret her decision and her actions.

Girl finds out rebound guy is dating other people.

Rebound guy still sees and provides for their daughters.

Girl is alone and brokenhearted.

This episode really got to me because I’ve been in a situation somewhat similar sans the pregnancy ‘cause at 17 I would have been at the clinic after the first pee stick said ‘you the mama’…HOLLA! Back in my young tender days, I was in a rocky, back and forth, break up to make up five year relationship with Lester Smudgles (obviously not the real name). Even with all that, to me he was the greatest until he wasn’t.

During the last few months, I began to have the same emotional disconnect that ‘Girl’ did, grew tired of his asshat ways, what our relationship had become (in my eyes anyway) and dumped him. Time has a way of changing you’re wants and needs, ya know. In order to divert my attention, I began dating my BFF’s brother….twin brother be exact. Not the greatest game plan but he had shown an interest and I needed something else to focus on. What better than another dude?! You know what they say’ to get over the old, get something new’. Hmmmm, that not’s quite right but you get the drift. A few months in, I realized I had made a mistake and that it just wouldn’t work. My rebound guy lived two states away and was much more immature than I remembered. And, my heart just wasn’t in it. Then…regret set in. Did I make the right decision with my long time boyfriend? Was I too hard on him…us? Late night thoughts got the best of me and I caved. I backtracked and tried to patch things up. Too late! He was boo’d up with another lover. Woe is me. Life moved on and so did I but that wasn’t the end of our story.

To be continued…maybe.

Boy Why You So Obsessed with Me?

After seeing Kelly's post with Pedro singing, that MC song is now stuck in mah head! Thanks! LOL

I've been craving the chicken alfredo that our cafe' makes for the past few weeks so I called to see if it was on the menu this week. I was put on hold for several minutes and got impatient so I hung up, grabbed my purse and headed out to my car. I needed to make a stop somewhere else anyway so I figured I'd get something while I was out.

Sidenote: I brought soup for lunch today but was not feeling it. Hmmmm, seems like I'm still failing the 'no spending in February' test. What is I'm gone do???????

When I returned, I saw that my VM indicator light was blinking and that I had two missed calls. I figured it was my boss calling to annoy the sh*t out of me again ask me a question even though we had just gotten out of a 3 1/2 hour meeting. I looked through the caller ID and saw it was the cafe' calling back. Awwww, that was nice I thought. I called my VM and deleted the message without listening. Dude has called me back three times since I got back in the building. LOL I know he is being courteous but gee whiz FIVE calls. DUDE, you're killin' me! I'll pick up the phone if he calls back again to say thanks but no thanks....or maybe just no thank you because that sounds too much like Sarah Palin. Blech!

UPDATE: He called back. I thanked him and asked if they were serving the dish just in case I want it tomorrow. He says, "No Ms. AR Gal. Is that all you had wanted?" *sigh* I won't complain about the grammar because he was polite.

Update sidenote: Ya'll almost caught me slipping (well some of you anyway since others already know me in the afterlife known as FB)! I typed my real name in the update. Thank goodness I re-read this after I posted.

An equation.................

Homecoming+liquor+visiting with old friends+late nights+hangovers=one sucky Monday

I need a nap STAT! I think I shall be venturing out to the car shortly...............

Update...

....I just got the call. I didn't get the job. Bummer. :( Now I have to stay with Cruella DePhuckin' crazy just a little while longer until I'm able to find something else.

Onto plan b.................

Update on the update (text to Z)

Me: I didn't get the job
Z: I'm sorry baby.
Me: Yeah me too
Z: Well the positive thing is you are still employed.
Me: True
Z: And the post office is always hiring.
Me: I hope you choke on a chicken bone tonight. Love U!
Z: Lol, love u 2!

Record of Assault

I lifted up my head briefly to say hello after I noticed her walking in the entrance behind me at work. I was busy texting on my phone as I had been since I got out of the car. My head was still down looking at my phone as we walked to and both made our way into the elevator. While continuing to mind my own business typing in a message (and giving off a strong "don't bother me" vibe) , I see a hand coming towards me. Not just any hand, a hand full of fingers with cluster rings. I was a bit startled then annoyed as I saw what was in her hand. A business card of the pank variety with that ever noticeable font. I almost screamed but the elevator doors opened so I just grabbed the card, said thank you, and scurried out the door.

I had just been quietly assaulted by a Mary Kay rep.

Cherry Pop

I was over at Freaky D’s spot the other day reading over a post of his. As I made a comment in reference to the first time, my first time popped in my head. I still remember it to this day and just like it was yesterday. The memory is just terrifying and memorable as it was then.

I was 16 at the time which means it was 1993…the summer of that year to be exact. My first boyfriend and the love of my life (until the next one came along) had come over to the house to visit me. I thought this guy was the greatest thing since sliced bread him being my first boyfriend and all. He was tall (6’4”), a bit chubby, not so dark, had a deep voice, and was handsome. His parents were well known because his dad was a preacher. Ya’ll know what they say about PK’s (preacher’s kids) right? They weren’t lyin. This of course was a plus for me because it meant I knew my mom wouldn't scrutinize him half to death since he came from good people.

When he arrived, he did his normal greeting and chatted with my mom until she excused herself into her bedroom which was the next room over. I went and took a seat in one of the chairs because my mom was taking too long running her mouth as usual. I still remember the thought that went through my head as she continued to ramble on, “She’s just doing this on purpose because she doesn’t want us to be alone.” LMAO Now that I think about it, it was probably partly true.

Anyway, so she leaves and he goes over to the couch to have a seat. We started making conversation about whatever was on tv and I get up to get something to drink. I ask him if he wants something, he says yes and I come back with our cups and sit down on the couch next to him. After awhile, he puts his arm around my shoulder movie style and I scoot a little closer. At this point, he is ready to make his move so he asked me something really silly (I can’t remember what right now) that ‘caused me to have to turn my head toward his face. Then it happens….he plants one on me. Finally, I thought! It’s not like we hadn’t kissed before but whenever we did it was always exciting because I got a serious case of the butterflies. It kind of feels like I got them again thinking about it typing this post….so stranjay!

One thing leads to another (read heavy petting) and we end up on the floor. He’s laying on top of me when I feel the bulge happen. Once again, this was nothing new because our kissing sessions tended to get hot and heavy. So then I hear him ask if I wanted to. Wanted to what, I ask back. So he gives me this look and I just stare and ask understanding what he means…are you serious? Here…now? He says yes but only if I want to. This goes on for another minute or so until I finally say yes. *sigh* Every time, I think about this the same question goes through my head…..what the fuck where you thinking??? He proceeds to unzip his fly and put the condom on while I scoot out of my shorts. Then well, you know what happens next except remember this is my first time ever so I had no clue as to what I was about to experience. I was just horny and ready to do it. *smdh* While we’re kissing, I feel him easing the tip in when he (accidentally) falls on me. Like literally all of his weight collapses on (and in) my body including his you know what. Oh.my.lawd!!!! All I felt was pain and my face showed it. My eyes and my mouth shot open and I drew in a gasp of big air. PK new exactly what happened so he covers my mouth with his hand and just starts saying I’m sorry over and over and over. After I recover and was able to talk he asked if I was okay. I say yes and he asked if I wanted to continue. I figured why not, you’re still in there so keep on. Of course he never came close to rocking my world, but the feeling wasn’t so bad after the initial ummmmmmm entry.

A bit of time passes when I hear a door open…the door to my mom’s bedroom to be more exact. I don’t know if time sped up or slowed down but the time it took for him to scoot against the couch (and cover up his lower half with his shirt) and for me to scoot against the side of the chair (so she wouldn’t see my half nekkid behind) was less than a second…I promise!

Mama: PK, you have a phone call, it’s your sister.

PK: Ok.

Mama: You can get it in the kitchen

PK: Ok, thank you.

I couldn't turn around but I hear her still standing there and I knowing my mom like I do, she is wondering why the boy wasn’t moving. Lol

Mama: Well are you gonna get the phone.

PK: Yes ma’am, I’m getting up now.

I don’t know if she sensed something was up or she just got tired of waiting on him to actually get up from the floor but she turned around and headed back in the other room. It was then that I realized I was holding my breath and let the air escape. My heart was racing and I was damn near close to tears. While he headed off to the kitchen I quickly gathered my draws and shorts and put them back on. My head was down and I saw a blood stain on the carpet. Shit, I thought. I ran to the laundry room to get something to put down on the carpet to clean it up with. Luckily the cleaner was strong because the stain came right on up.

PK, finishes up his call and tells me he will have to leave in about an hour because he has to pick his little sister up. I told him we should step outside to talk. The conversation consisted of nothing more than we were SO glad that we didn’t get caught, I love you, blah blah blah. Of course the topic of when to do it again came up since we didn't get a good start. We decided that next time we would have to actually have to be somewhere that there was privacy (no shit sherlock) and we did. The next time we did it at his folks house while everyone was gone. :-)

Ummmmmmmmmmm..............

......just press play 'cause I ain't got shit else to say

Night at the Movies: The Happening

I had mixed feelings about whether or not I wanted to see this flick but alas there was nothing on tv last night to keep my attention so off Z and I went.

The movie was scheduled to begin at 10:10 but of course that includes previews so I'm thinking after about 5 minutes we would be good to go. HA! The audience had to sit through 20 daggone minutes of previews and I will go on record as saying that it was annoying as fuck! As with any preview, most movies are either (1) already out or (2) have been playing on tv as well so as much as you don't want to see them, you just endure and hope that the last one that plays is the very last one before the movie starts. This was just like a bad dream played out in life. I damn near grabbed my purse and went out into the lobby to wait them out. lol I do believe I was in a cranky mood anyway so this didn't help. After the torture, the movie starts. Just to give a background of what the film is about. An airborn gas is suspected to be floating in the air in the NE part of the country causing people to kill themselves so everyone is trying to outrun it or take shelter and hide from it. Cool enough plot. I figure it could happen in real life (nothing surprises me these days).

I was pleased with the fact that they didn't make you wait for the "meat" of the story to be played out. The good stuff started happening pretty much in the first couple minutes. What I wasn't pleased with is that they touted this film as M.Night Shalamar's (that's what I call him) first "R" rated film. For what might I ask? A thin line of blood going down someone's head from a self inflicted bullet womb and watching what was supposed to be a horrific scene (it was anything but....trust me) of someone's arms being bitten off by lions at the zoo just didn't cut it for me....I'm sorry.

Even though the film was not intentionally meant to be funny, I found myself laughing throughout most of it. Case in point, there is one scene where the main characters are looking down on a group of people running into the home they just left. Well, they weren't running quite fast enough and the "the happening" catches up to them. One of the men in the group decides to off himself by turning on a lawn mower and falling down in front of it for it to run over him. Yeah, I know that's not funny but the way he fell down on the ground had me hollerin in the theater. It was kinda like how you would imagine Blaine Edwards and Antoine Merriweather from "Men on Film" on In Living Color passing out....I swear! lol lol lol I also was gifted a lot of giggles from Mark Walberg in his delivery of certain lines.

I suppose you will just have to watch it to see what I'm talking about but I definitely wouldn't pay top dollar at the theater to see it. If I knew then what I know now, I would have been calling up my local Homeboy Network to boost a bootleg copy....either that or wait for it to come on cable. I should have known better than to agree to see this after one of my friends told me about the fuckery that is "The Strangers". Two...two....two duds in one! (shout out to "A Different World"). We almost went to see that ish last week too! lol

So anyway, you've been forewarned. Waste your hard-earned dollars at your own risk.

AR Gal rates this movie: I should have stayed my black ass at home.