She got a pocket full of stones......................

but they done left her ass alone.

Picture it. January 31, 2011 at the revenue office (the DMV for all you northern folk). I'm waiting in line to renew my license plate tags for a second time mind you.

Sidenote: I have got to do a better job of (1) not waiting until the last minute to do this and (2) making sure the car is assessed BEFORE I renew......especially when the reminder they send in the mail has a big fat NO next to the question has the vehicle been assessed. *sigh*

Okay, so I'm waiting in line but I had seen this delicious beast outside while in my car holding with the property tax folks to work their magic. I only caught a quick glance but I remember my first thought being, 'Ew'.

Once I make it back inside and am standing behind her, my next thought is 'why'? And that I need to take a picture. Thank goodness the line was moving slow.

No really. Why? Anything you can think of just why.

She (yes it was really a lady) exuded all kinds of confidence but damn that body.....

As a fellow member of the flat booty committee, I'm offended.

And now for a musical selection to help ease your soul.......................

Whip it, now Zip it!

After watching Chappelle Show on Comedy Central last night, the Tosh.O show came on. I was too lazy to get up and get the remote that I stupidly laid right by the TV (who does that by the way?) to see what else was on the boob tube so I got comfy with the laptop and watched. Having never seen an episode of Tosh.O, I was taken by how completely RANDOM the show is. Like really, really, REALLY random. I have no idea what purpose it serves but it's on Comedy Central so I guess it's suppose to be funny. *shrugs shoulders*

While I'll probably never watch it again, it did benefit me to watch last night as I was introduced to the Zip It. This handy dandy thing pulls all the grimy gunk out of your bathtub drain. And it's cheap! From what I've read, it ranges around $2-3 and can be found at stores like Lowe's, Home Depot, Wally World, etc. After watching videos of people using it (these folks found a dead roach in theirs...*gags*), I was ready to head down to the store to get one and try it out. Luckily common sense reigned supreme and I laid my black ass down to go to sleep. I will be going to get one this weekend. I will not,however, be filming it to put on youtube so you can watch this one instead.

I suck...............

So BBA numbers two and three made an impromptu visit with Granny (my mom) yesterday. The plan was for me to take my mom's car to the airport (she left it at the house so she wouldn't have to pay for parking) and they would ride out to Memphis. After speaking with her yesterday afternoon before the plane took off, I pretty much knew they would be staying the night. Apparently getting through security with two small children was enough to tire her out. Hell it would probably tire me out too.

After returning to the house, I got the kids fed and took them over to the school next door so they could play and run off some of their energy and excitement from seeing me the dogs. About 20 minutes in, BBA number three showed signs of extreme crankiness and crying. Now I don't know nothing about birthin' or raisin' no babies but I do know what that means in Mommyland. NAP/BEDTIME!! I told his big brother (BBA number two) he had about ten more minutes and we were heading back to the house. BBA number three's cries were getting louder (and quite honestly more embarrassing). Thank goodness only a few people were out there with us. Then, he wanted his mommy. Being the good Auntie I am, I pulled out my phone and called her. After listening to their conversation on speakerphone, it was pretty obvious that my big sister was more interested in her nap than her spawn's need for her. Imagine that! LOL

BBA number two headed over to the another piece of play equipment to enjoy the last few minutes and surprisingly BBA number three followed. I walked over to join them and BBA number three announces "I SUCK".

Me: No you don't. What would make you say that?

BBA number three: Aunt AR Gal, I suuuuuuuuuuck

Me: *thinking what the hell*

BBA number two: He's saying he's sick

Me: Really? How the h..... thanks for telling me.

Sooooooooooo, I go and ask him where it hurts and he points to his belly.

Me: Do you have to boo boo?

BBA number three: Yes I have to boo boo

Me: Okay, we're leaving now.

He then proceeds to hurl chunks of the dinner and ice cream he had eaten.

Me: *screaming on the inside* BBA number two, let's go.

Annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd he hurls again with bigger chunks.

Me: *turning his body the opposite way while secretly praying, please don't get it on me, please don't get it on me, please don't get it on meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee*

Nothing on this planet is as gross to me than seeing someone throw up. I mean really, it's disgusting.

After Vomitgate, we haul ass back to the house. I want to pick him but (1) he's heavy and (2) I really don't want this kid blowing chunks down my back or worse...in my hair! I started to call Mistah but then thought better of it. What if he does it in the car? OMG, ew. Good thing we only live less than a quarter of a mile from the school. Once we got close enough, I put my big girl panties on and picked him up but not after asking five times if he had to throw up any more.

We made it back to the house without any further incident and BBA number two and three were promptly given a bath and put.to.bed.

If this is a preview of what's to come, I'm in trouble.

Crack is still whack!

I captured this gem of a picture and decided to share it will all the lovely people of the world. Being a member of the flapjacks crew, I can sympathize with the fact that she has a flat ass (even though I would like to think mine has a bit more roundness and shape to it than this). I also share her wedgie pain as I too get the wedgie blues when I walk around the house in my shorts but guess what? I dig that shit out! What I cannot support, however, is her need to showcase these tragic traits so openly and willingly by tucking her shirt into some daggone capri yoga pants.

Where dey do dat at?

And now for a musical selection

Big Pimpin

Jersey City Society Hill pimp is sentenced to 18 years in prison

Read the story here

I have SO many thoughts, questions and concerns running rampant through my head about this man right now. Some of which are:

1. How much pro-con gel was used to create that splendiferous hairstyle?
2. Why did he choose a twisted up piece of yarn to use as a 'ponytail'?
3. How did he get said 'ponytail' to stay put?
4. Can you really call those finger waves?
5. Who told him that shit was cute?
6. With waves like that, who needs the ocean?!
7. I don't swim but suddenly have a strong desire to go surfing.
8. How is he pulling anything other than Rasputia's?
9. He lyin!
10. I need to see pictures of his hoes STAT!
11. Don't drop the soap!

Be sure to check out the photo slide show at the bottom of the story. If you haven't laughed today..............

And now for a musical selection!

Wrote a story ‘bout it. Wanna read it, here it go

Woke up this morning sleepy as all get out.

Put my contacts in. They didn’t agree with my eyeballs. After 15 minutes of removing and re-inserting with no success, finally just said phuck it and threw my glasses on.

I hate wearing my glasses. Boo.Hiss.

Saw Pedro’s truck this morning but no one in the backseat. Guess they decided to take a break.

Arrived at work and went to the restroom.

Did a full survey of my outfit. Noticed that my maxi skirt was a peep show in the back.

Cursed self for not wearing a longer shirt and checking self out in the mirror AT HOME.

Tried to do some adjusting to camoflauge. Didn’t work.

Went to the store to buy a slip…..which I have plenty of AT HOME.

*eyeroll*

Slips a plenty but none in BLACK. Boo. Hiss squared.

Grabbed a cami top and made it work….Tim Gunn game proper.

Went to check out and got stuck behind a stupid ass b*tch woman that wanted a price check for a greeting card that was supposed to be 25 cents. The original price was FIFTY CENTS!!!!!!

ARE YOU SERIOUS?????!!!!!

Waiting. BG’s ensue. This heffa still wants her 25 cents discount.

Go to check out at customer service while trying to resist the urge to mollywhop said heffa in the back of her head for being stupid.

Hit the restroom up to leave a deposit and put on my shirtslip.

Stop to grab more sunflower seeds. Only one package of the flavored kind left.

FML…

Just when……..

…..I think I have nothing to blog about, Mother Earth works her magic and VOILA!

I ventured out to a beauty supply store in Mexican Central (aka SW Little Rock) today. They are the only place I have been able to find that carries raw black soap. That’s pretty sad considering you could go to any other major city and find it (relatively) easy…..or at least I think so. It’s also pretty sad that I work with a lot of African people and not one of them could tell me where I could go to buy some. Boo. Anyway, the downside is they only carry it in small sizes (about $2 for .5 oz) but I figure I can grab a lot of them at one time and it would still be cheaper than buying it online and paying for shipping.

Moving on.

So I grabbed my supply, headed to the cash register and proceed to have the most intriguing conversation with the young lady that checked me out.

YL: Did you need help finding anything or were you ready to check out?

Me: *smiles* Oh, I’m ready.

YL: So, do you use this all over your body?

Me: Yeah, face and all.

YL: Really? I tried it once but broke me out.

Me: Oh no! Well you can’t tell. You have a beautiful complexion.

YL: Yeah well it wasn’t anywhere you could see.

Me: (wondering where the hell this girl could be talking about….her ankles?) Oh?

YL: Yeah it was down there *points to her nether regions with her finger*

Me: Ooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

YL: I mean it was real bad. My grandmama had to call the medical emergency number and everything because it was puffed up like this (yes she really held her fist up)

Me: Oh my! I don’t blame you not using any longer. Well, thanks and have a nice day!

Now at this point, I’m laughing but she was too so it wasn’t totally awkward. I didn’t realize when she asked if I used it all over my body she really meant allllllllll over mah body. I just assumed she meant exposed skin. LOL Oh well, at least I learned something new today…I think.

Bloody Mary's

I’m supposed to be working on a report (and have been since last Wednesday). I can’t seem to get my writing juices flowing this morning so I decided to do a post instead. Honestly, I haven’t been doing so good in the productivity department since my boss took off for vacay. *sigh* I’m going to do better…..when she gets back. *shudders*

Today’s post is brought to you today by the letters N-A-S & T-Y. That’s the word I used to describe whichever hoe, b*tch, scallywag, diseased rhinoceros pheasant trollop decided to leave traces of their menstrual cycle all over one of the commode seats in the ladies room. And I'm not just talking a single drop....that ish was splattered.....on both sides.....like some damn abstract art!!! Say it with me folks….EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!

I was beyond grossed out and extremely pissed that the offender (1) didn’t even have the common courtesy to wipe that sh*t off so it wouldn’t be visible and/or (2) have enough common sense to look at the seat before they left the stall. I only wish that I could have seen who it was so I could have added their name to the sign I made and taped on the wall in the stall.

I just went to look for the picture of the sign in my phone and realized I forgot to take one.

(insert Niecy Nash Clean House grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr sound effect here)

No worries, I made another for effect.

I was telling Z about it and he just shook his head and gave the usual ‘Makes you wonder what they are like at home’ response. You know what? I don’t really care. Do what you want in your own home but at least TRY and have some type of damn decorum/manners/home training (well I guess that wouldn’t apply if one is that nasty at the house) about yourself in public…..GOOD GRIEF! I refuse to even go in that stall anymore. As a matter of fact, I do believe I shall start going upstairs to handle my beeswax. Yeah, yeah I know nasty is everywhere but there are way less people on that floor and I’d rather take my chances squatting elsewhere.

AR Gal PSA..............................

If you decide to try and pull off a (too little) shirt as a dress, do the world a favor and wear leggings instead of tights. It's really not a good look to see you continue pulling at the back of your shirt dress to prevent your booty from being visible. Better yet, next time just don't put it on or wear some pants with your shirt dress.

Thanks in advance.

Give it to me baby!!

Big sister numero uno is currently in labor with baby boy numero tres. I got word from my mom yesterday about the latest member of the AR Gal clan trying to enter into the world. So far, it's only labor pains (her water has yet to break). How long must one endure that torture before someone with common sense just breaks the sac to get it over with? I have no idea. Mother's fill me in and I'll be sure to call her doctor to tell him/her to get their job! At any rate, he should be here by the weekend.....I hope. Keep your fingers and toes crossed that mama and baby make it through safe and sound.

In somewhat related news, I am currently watching the show "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant" on TLC. Two of the women conceived children while taking antibiotics and on birth control. Both were unaware that this 'dangerous' combination makes you more susceptible to pregnancy without a backup contraceptive. Ironically, both bundles of joy were plopped into a toilet as their mommies mistook them for constipation poops. I for one am glad that I was able to view these informative episodes and felt it was my duty as a woman to share this with others who, like myself, may not have known. Z has been informed that there will be NO sex in the champagne if I find myself in this predicament. Besides, if you're sick you shouldn't want to do it anyway....right? RIGHT!

UPDATE: My nephew Ryan Alexander was born 11/18/09 at 11:58 pm weighing in at 6 lbs. and ?? oz (I forgot what my mama said). Baby and mommy are doing great!

UPDATE ON THE UPDATE: Just talked to my sister. She delivered this child naturally (without the assistance of any drugs (totally her choice by the way)) and is already up and about to email pictures out. WTH? Now that she has delivered her last child, she is most excited about her upcoming journey of getting her flat stomach back. LOL

LAST UPDATE ON THE UPDATE 'CAUSE I'M TIRED OF UPDATING:

Rick James - Give It To Me Baby
Uploaded by stillhiphop.

HIGHLY GROSS: Food chronicles

Thanks to Gail (who NEVER stops by and comments) for the title inspiration and to a friend of a friend of a friend who swiped it from here for the post content. And to think, I actually like the Sweet Sue canned chicken dumplings. If I'm being honest here, I have two cans in the cupboard that I've been itching to chow down on. After this, not so much. Oh who am I kidding yes I am because they are yummy but this shit is still HIGHLY GROSS!!!

Where the wild things are...................

Tell me why this thing decided to come out of the wood work directly AFTER mistah left for work???!!!

It's not the clearest picture but basically this, my dear people, is a fly on crack! This thing was HUGE!

Picture it, the morning of September 21, 2009. I'm walking around the house getting ready for work (but ass nekkid no less) and hear this buzzing sound. I duck (natural reaction) and listen. Soon enough I see it flying around and watch as it lands on the ceiling light fixture in the kitchen. I break out into my normal hoot and holler dance, run into the bedroom, slam the door, grab my robe and a pair of tennis shoes out of the closet. What?! I needed something on my feet that covered my toes that I could stomp (and kick) properly with.

Once 'clothed', I crept out of the bedroom into the kitchen and made sure it was still on the light. It was. YAY! I ran to laundry area where we keep the (bug) spray and then grabbed the broom. Shut up. Then................I sprayed with all my might. Buzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. That sap sucker went CARAZY and flew everywhere. I'm screamin' and swingin', screamin' and swingin', AND screamin' and swingin'. It finally landed somewhere over by the kitchen window. I couldn't see exactly where because it was hiding behind a decorative bird cage thingamajig on the counter. I spray randomly and it goes flying around again. Screamin' and swingin' ensues. It lands on the other side of the kitchen and I spray again. It comes out, flies over under the stove, and I go in for the kill.


After inhaling the continuous fumes, it could finally take no more and crumbled in defeat to its death. Looks like another spray TKO!

Death To Smoochy....................

This is what I discovered a little while ago while attempting to retrieve the mail. After screaming like a damn fool, a picture was taken, a foot race occurred, and a text was sent to Z with the following message:

There is a big ass dead lizard HANGING on the mailbox right underneath where the mail goes. The mail has been delivered but you will want to check it when you get home 'cause I ain't touchin that shit!!!

And I mean it. I ain't going back out there until that thing falls off or until someone makes a way for it to fall off. On a different note, is that not a messed up way to go out?! Blech!

By Jove, I think I've got it!!!

I think I FINALLY figured out why Sheree' (aka 'Who 'gone check me boo?!') on Real Housewives of ATL makes my stomach lurch.

She looks and acts like a younger, more melanin rich version of my boss! Her face, mannerisms, the whole package well minus the face wart but still..............

BLECH!

I am that chick...................

................. that will laugh at you if you just so happen to walk past me and pass gas. Especially if you work with me. It's okay, don't be ashamed.....just laugh with me (and fan your hand).

Burnt to a crisp

This mess has made my morning. Thanks Meik for sharing this. I will hate you forever! LMAO!!!

How do I put this nicely?

My boss....*DEEP HEAVY ASS SIGH*

She’s one of those extremely touch feely people. I DETEST touchy feely people (unless your name is Z and you’re about to put it on me). She’s the type that likes touching your arm, rubbing your shoulder, or patting your thigh when speaking during conversation. Hey! That kinda sounds like grounds for sexual harassment…who’s with me?? Okay…I’m obviously reaching but still the crap irks me to no end. My normal reaction is to move my body away from her touch. I’ll jerk a hand away, move a leg, take a huge step back. etc, etc., etc. I really thought I was doing a good job at making it obvious so that she would catch on. Many months later she has not and now the time has come for me to issue the give me fifty feet verbal warning.

So come on, hit me with your best shot in the comments and tell me the perfect thing to say. If you don’t, I will be forced to go with bitch get off me! You wouldn’t want that now would you?

That's just Nasty................

Dogs eat grass.....

Said grass sometimes makes dogs vomit.......

Vomit is not meant to stay in the body..........

Throwing up is not fun.............

Believe me, I know.............

Seeing a 90 lb. dog do it in front of your face is even less fun............

90 lb. dog usually gives a signal..........

When we see that we rush him outside................

No signal this go 'round....................

Vomit+ carpet= some really fucked up shit...................

Why didn't he move to the tile..................

He's done that before too...................

He's a smart dog........................

Carpet=not good.....................

Tile=still not good but better than carpet..................

Thank goodness for home steam cleaners.................

Thank goodness I happen to really love this damn dog.......................

Wipe Me Down

There's another new post down below but I just had to share this mess with you guys. Simply put....this woman is pissin in public....in between a sidewalk and a curb.....as she leans on a car.....for real. This triflin heifer couldn't find a restroom, an alley, hell l wouldn't have been as digusted if she had at least found a bush........just ugh! The worst part is that she has a young child with her on lookout, I suppose, holding her extra pieces of toilet tissue while she does this bs. Hand this nasty bitch a depend stat! I think I threw up a little in my mouth after watchin this.

FYI.....if you guys are at work you may want to wait until you get to the house as it's NSFW.


Here's the link:

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/video/watch/31089/

Blogger is trippin about me trying to add embedded code and I don't feel like trying to figure it out.